Who Am I?

This subject is really split between two posts -- the previous one named "Reflections" which describes what led up to my introspection, and this my moment of introspection.

If you read the very first posting on this Blog, you'll see that my love of satin and silk started at an early age and has been part of me for all my life both as an adult and a child. It has caused confusion, guilt and sorrow over my life. There has been some anger and fear as well. All of those emotions are perfectly normal and appropriate reactions at a particular instant in life. They are useful in dealing with situations as they arise. They are not useful if we lose ourselves in them and/or are controlled by them as we go on from the instant in question. What is important for the rest of our life is not the emotion itself -- it is what we learned from the moment in which we experienced the emotion. Fear was an appropriate emotion for our ancestors facing a sabre tooth tiger. Fear may have driven the instinctive fight or flight reaction that saved the individual at the moment of encounter. If the person learned that sabre tooth tigers were dangerous and learned how to deal with that knowledge, that was what kept them safe, not the fear itself. We must assume that our ancestors learned that lesson because our species survived and the sabre tooth tiger didn't.

So what have I learned about me from all my emotions?

I am a crossdressing panty wearing male. I am very straight and somewhat dominant, and tend to exhibit bits of an Alpha Male characteristic in group situations -- although my real character is more a "Lone Wolf". I fit easily into the guardian, helper and protector of the pack roles. I am a Gemini born of a Gemini so I am multifaceted to say the very least. I am intrinsically and instinctively curious and am a constant learner. I really feel that my last learning moment will come with my last breath. I have an ability to "calibrate" myself to others extremely well and am very empathetic. I can feel and experience the feelings of others, and have learned to use my ability to help others feel respected and "validated" in that their feelings and thoughts are perfectly ok and normal. (There is an old quote that is very appropriate here -- "We teach best what we need most to learn.")

What turns me on and excites me? Obviously the physical answer to that question is easy. My love of silk and satin is tactile and the feel of those fabrics on any part of my body is electric. That spills to a visual connection. Seeing soft silky lingerie connects to my tactile responses and it turns me on as well. The reality of functioning in the world gives both the visual and tactile turn ons some context. My lifestyle and social connections don't let me parade around the streets in drag, and while I clearly love seeing a woman who has good lingerie taste and who wears her lingerie proudly, I must just smile to myself and behave appropriately.

The psychological part of what turns me on is a bit more complex. I don't deny that making love to a female partner who likes being in lingerie and having me in lingerie is exquisite. That however is not my ultimate turn on. The thing that turns me on is a partner's arousal. If she isn't into lingerie on me or her, I will still get very aroused by her arousal. Being a Gemini, I'd rather have a good conversation than have mediocre sex with a partner who wasn't really into it.

I have been extremely lucky to have found women who got aroused by seeing or touching me in lingerie. I have had the pleasant experience of confessing my secret and being asked to "show me" -- more than once with very pleasant results. I have also found women who asked for more information and decided it wasn't for them and had pleasant encounters with them too. The actual enjoyment of a sexual encounter with any of them had little to do with the question of lingerie or not -- it was all to do with respect and feelings of desire and compatibility. The "confessions" weren't random and unsolicited -- they were to women with whom I had already established enough of a relationship for both of us to consider going further.

I have ventured into the areas of bondage and domination sexually and the dominant role "fits" me very comfortably. The real turn on in my forays there wasn't the act itself, it was the excitement I felt and saw in the lady with me. It is very easy and very exciting to be with a woman who is dripping with arousal and smelling sweetly of her arousal. I am only aware of one incident where I was the second person to make love to a woman within a short period of time. The woman in question had sex with her regular partner shortly before we made love, and she was still very much "in the mood". Her arousal plus the smell of her patner's seed was like a strong magnet. I didn't make love to her, I ravaged her strongly and steadily for quite some time. The alpha male certainly arrived that day and both of us enjoyed it very much. (She led me to believe that if she chose to share details with her regular partner he would enjoy it too.)

I could certainly deal with someone who wanted equality, and am very interested in learning my partner's preferences. How ever chauvinistic it may sound, I'm much better at taking charge of lovemaking and/or eliciting ideas from a partner than I am or would be at taking orders. I would have no problem not wearing lingerie and telling my partner exactly what we were going to do once I was sure that was her preference.

I don't have a submissive bone in my body and would not likely get myself into a romantic interlude with a woman who wanted to dominate me.

So in answer to my friend who said the lingerie would turn her off, I'm sure if we ever were to bridge the gap of a few thousand miles between us, and we decided that we wanted to be intimate, I could find her style and we could enjoy a very satisfying encounter. Being with her would be quite exciting all by itself.

Come to think about that -- most of my life choices are the same as the sexual ones. I lead by consensus well, I will follow a group path of consensus (for a while at least), and I will turn subversive if ordered to do anything.

Thank you to the friends who inspired this navel gaze.

Reflections.

I had posted the last posting over a year ago, and hadn't really thought about posting more for quite a while. I still visit on line Men In Panties sites and continue to read stories and articles. I've always done that for two reasons: erotic stimulation; and a desire to learn more about me and my love of lingerie. I've long since given up considering it "my perversion" as I once thought it to be. It is a part of me that I'm not interested in giving up -- if in fact giving up were even possible. I am a recovering alcoholic and I'm not sure if my connection to all things soft and slinky is like an addiction that I could learn to abstain from, or if it is just a "preference" in my system. I use preference here in the context of "sexual preference" be that heterosexual, homosexual, asexual or bisexual. Those things are part of our hard wiring and our life "BIOS". They are not addictions and are not easily changeable. Our sexual preferences and turn ons are no doubt influenced by circumstances in our lives and yet they are unique to an individual. There has to be something that makes one person react one way to a particular circumstance, and the next person to react entirely differently. That generalization applies whether I'm talking about health issues, sexual preferences, or reactions to stimuli. Why does one person living in a particular place develop allergies while siblings do not? Why do I react sexually to silk and satin while siblings do not? My siblings share my genetic makeup and we grew up in the same situation exactly -- yet our physical, emotional and sexual growth led us in very different directions.

I came back to this blog today for a couple of reasons. In the last few weeks I've had a resurgence of my sexual urges to connect with my love of lingerie. Perhaps it is "Spring Fever" -- who knows. A combination of that resurgence, and some conversations with a couple female friends has added some "pieces to my puzzle" as I work toward understanding myself.

The subject of my 24/7 panty wearing came up in an Internet chat with a friend. That person accepted my interest as being part of me and was curious enough to want to see what I looked like in my lingerie. She saw the picture from this blog and said something about how it looked good. She went on to say that my lingerie would take away from her image of masculinity and would diminish rather than enhance her arousal if she encountered a lover in lingerie. That is a perfectly reasonable and honest response. Our conversation was not one of seduction, it was one of understanding who each of us were. Her response did hit at something deep inside me, and as I reflected on our conversation later, I re-read my earlier posts on this blog. I felt a need to put some comments here to help me sort out a bit more of myself. In my reading of web sites, magazine articles and other information about crossdressing, I've seen the full spectrum of how my interest is manifested in others. The stereotype given by the media may be that crossdressing males are all homosexual and submissive. That is anything but accurate. The heterosexual (straight) male is the largest percentage of the whole male population, and correspondingly the straight males who crossdress are the largest percentage of crossdressing males. The percentages track almost exactly. So there are the same percentage of dominant straight crossdressing males in the crossdressing sample as there are dominant straight males in the general population. There are the same percentage of submissive gay males in the cross dressing sample as there are submissive gay males in the general population. All of that reflection led me to ask who I was within the spectrum of my sexuality.
That reflection is in the following post entitled "Who Am I?"

My story continues.

It has been over a year since I posted my lament about the demise of PLI last year. PLI was a unique place for those of us Panty Lovers to visit as we learned that "We Are Not Alone."
I have joined several other sites since then and none have the feel or character of PLI.
I have been struggling to expand my biography in the year since my last posting and it will be added here as I complete more of it.
The composition has been rather theraputic and helpful as I think of the things that I locked into my closet over my life in panties.

My Life In Panties.

I'm a 58 year old Lingerie lover. My first experience was when I was between 8 and 10 years old. I found some nylon panties in a trunk in a storeroom. I picked them up and got a very hard erection as soon as I touched them. I don't remember ever noticing an erection before that, so I touched the panties to my hard cock. I still remember the magic in that touch today. I rubbed the panties around and felt the electricity in that contact even though I had no idea what was happening. I still have no idea why the reaction was that immediate or that strong. Pulling the panties on was inevitable. And WOW I got even harder and the sensation became even more exquisite. I knew even at that age that there was no turning back. I kept sneaking into the trunk and pulling the panties on. I was hooked and loved every second of the hardness I acheived -- and that was before I learned what it meant to rub myself enough to cum. Today, almost 50 years later the touch of sexy fabric still turns me on. I have spent lots of enjoyable practice time learning how to bring myself to the verge of coming and backing off so that when I do cum it is very powerful. I have learned to exercise that control with partners as well and it has pleased them very much. I am heterosexual and have no interest in being with a man. I just enjoy lingerie on myself and especially on my partner. The gilmpse of a bit of lace or the shimmer of satin is still exciting, and there is nothing that compares to dressing with a partner if you are both into the sensations. I have had a variety of reactions from ladies -- some recoiled in horror and rejection on hearing of my habit -- others joined me and shuddered almost orgasmically when they touched my cock in soft silk or satin. My dressing is part of me and I wear panties 24/7. I warn prospective partners before getting involved sexually so that we can move on if they can't accept my habit. Posting my pictures at PLI before its demise was a very liberating experience. The internet has certainly provided 'proof that I am not alone'.